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identity crisis

Posted by Andrea | February 22, 2007 .

A short while back my father told me that one in five marriages on the Wet Coast were mix race. He might be off the mark slightly but it didn�t surprise me at all. The Wet Coast has become such a brilliant mix of cultures that it just made sense to me due to the fact that I am in a mix race marriage � my husband is Chinese and is actually a new resident of Canada.

Now if one in five marriages were of mix race then one would assume that there were quite a few mix race children running around. It is so common to see mix couples holding hands on the street nowadays, so can someone PLEASE explain to me WHY people automatically assume my beautiful daughter is adopted.

Please don�t get me wrong � I have nothing against adoption � but do you think people could be a little more polite and maybe not so blatant in their assumptions.

I have had the bank teller quietly ask me where I got her from. The lady at the store came right out and asked if she was adopted from China or if she was a local adoption. I had the doctor who gave her a flu shot ask how long she had been in the country.

There are the others that assume but don�t come right out and say it. They make little remarks like � can she speak English? How long have you had her? And comments like that.

I had to bring my daughter in for her vaccinations recently and the nurse obviously thought she was adopted. She asked how long my daughter had been in the country and I answered that WE had been here for about eight months now.

Then just the other day I had to bring her to the doctor because she came down with strep throat and the doctor asked if she spoke English. He mentioned that she was very pretty and I started making comments like � she has her daddy�s eyes but my hair. I then mentioned that I had had strep often as a child as well and then asked him if medicine allergies were hereditary as I have some. By the end he was no longer thinking that she was adopted.

It is interesting as Asian people NEVER think she is adopted. They can see the mix right away.

The little Asian pharmacist look one look at her and went, �She looks like she has some Chinese in her.�

This funny, very cute, and very tiny, Asian teller at A&B Sound took one look at her and went, �OHHHHH!!! She is so CUTE!! I think mix babies are the cutest babies out there!!� She was pregnant as I asked her if her child was mix. She just laughed and went, �No just plain Chinese�.

Asian people look at my daughter and they see Asian eyes and slight Asian colouring but they also see lighter brown hair that is fine and a round face, not slightly flat.

I don�t know why but it has been bugging me lately. Normally I ignore it, consider it ignorance on their part, but lately I have had to hold my tongue to prevent myself from being snippy. Not sure where this annoyance is coming from but it is there.

It might have to be that I am very proud of my daughter � who she is, how smart she is, and personally how lovely she is inside and out. I want people to associate me with her.

In Japan I never had this mother-of-ToddlerJi-identity crisis, but here in Canada I have been experiencing it.

I haven�t figured out how to handle it yet.

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14 Comments so far
  1. crunchy February 22, 2007 5:08 pm

    Yeah…you would think in a multi cultural society like ours…..

    You daughter is a cutie by the way.

    You need a button saying ‘my mommy married a chinese guy and this is what they got’—-or is that too rude or something!!!

    No offence intended of course!

  2. Andrea February 22, 2007 6:35 pm

    and non taken. hehe i wonder how the hubby would go for that? lol

  3. Quiltie February 22, 2007 6:52 pm

    that is very sad that you are treated like that especially with how multi cultural our area is!

  4. dkfamily February 22, 2007 8:42 pm

    Next time someone asks where she’s from say, “my vagina”. Or, maybe not?

    That does suck and seems very unfair. Would playing stupid work? “I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about?”

  5. mo-wo February 22, 2007 10:19 pm

    Gawd that is wretched. I think so much media exposure has been poured into Vancouverites, and neighbours, about adoption from China and they just don’t think.

    If it is any consolation I have two or three old German ladies in the neighbourhood who when looking at my daughter would say — your husband he is Chinese man, no?

    And, he so isn’t.

    No didn’t think it would help. Let’s just say — newsflash — sometimes white people can be freakin’ ignorant, eh?

  6. dongurigal February 23, 2007 12:05 am

    (oops, glad you found your muse Andrea, great post)

    Hope people stop assuming that Toddler Ji’s adopted–must be frustrating.

    Personally I like dkfamily’s suggestion.

  7. crunchy February 23, 2007 10:38 am

    Thread jumping here..Hey Mo! Glad to see ya here!
    Email me if you want your password info!!
    (if I didn’t send it already..I can’t remember stuff like that!)

  8. M February 23, 2007 10:45 am

    What bothers me the most about this is, why is it anyone’s business one way or the other. Our children are our children, regardless if they came from China, Vagina, or Mars. People are so nosey.

    (Commented originally as dkfamily, but Crunchy told me how to log in properly…)

  9. Andrea February 23, 2007 11:30 am

    Hi all - thanks!!! ya maybe playing the “i dont have any idea what you are talking about” road might work. Ill try it the next time. Ill let you all know.

  10. B February 24, 2007 3:28 am

    i don’t see race. i just see human beings.

  11. Heather February 24, 2007 8:39 pm

    I like the ’she came from my vagina’ answer - whooooeeeeeee…what would they say????

    Actually, sometimes I think people are genuinely interested but don’t know what to say or how to ask - but they want to know…

    I do think children of mixed blood are quite often the most attractive, beautiful children in the world :)

  12. Claudia February 28, 2007 11:53 am

    Oy, how frustrating. Makes my eyes roll back so far they hurt! I agree that in this country, in this day and age, one would think we have become more accepting and not be so interested in labeling children and families. Good luck with the rest of the comments you are bound to hear down the line! Geez.

    OH and I too like the “she came from my vagina” answer hehehe

  13. jmb March 7, 2007 2:19 pm

    Hi Andrea,
    I’m reading the archives and came across this post. I’m sure no one means to be rude they are probably just trying to think of something to say. Still they should wait for clues before perhaps putting the old foot in the mouth.
    Incidentally I have a Italian friend here who just adopted a little girl from China about 2 years ago. So you can imagine what the two caucasian Italians with the Chinese Italian speaking youngster hear.
    How about she’s the fruit of my womb? Sorry
    jmb (nobody important)

  14. Scattered Mom April 28, 2008 7:31 am

    It’s interesting how strangers seem to think it’s their business even to ask. My husband is 20 years older then me, and I was constantly mistaken for his daughter for years. The questions were quiet (like your bank teller) or outright “oh my GOD you’re KIDDING me, that’s your WIFE?!”

    When I was younger it made me uncomfortable, but then we began to look at it as their problem, not ours. It became funny, and when someone would turn red and stammer, we’d laugh at them and say, “It’s okay, happens all the time.”

    Of course with a child, that’s different. But maybe you can think of some great comebacks for those questions (”does she speak English?” “Course she does, don’t most Canadian kids?”) or even “where did you get her?” “She’s a home grown baby…” lololol.

    People will comment on anything that is slightly different no matter what. I think the trick is just not letting it get to you.

    Scattered Moms last blog post..Gimme Gimme