The Lessons Breast Cancer Have Taught Me

Yesterday I attended a funeral. The woman was a family friend, aged only 53, who died on Saturday afternoon after a 13-year battle with breast cancer. 13 years! Can you believe it? She was diagnosed in 1994 and spent a year beating the cancer back, and then was in remission for several years. Three years ago, it came back and eventually spread in clusters around her spine. The family knew for several weeks that the end was nearing and I think they are now exhausted from round-the-clock caregiving, and relieved that her suffering is over.

This was the first funeral I have ever attended. I’ve been lucky never to have anyone close to me pass away except my grandfather when I was 10, but I barely knew him. I didn’t know this woman well either; I attended the funeral because her husband was a good friend of my parents and I thought it would be supportive to show my respect for her life and her fight against cancer by attending the funeral. I didn’t know what to expect, but I didn’t expect much. I took the day off work to attend, and I left afterwards and continued on about my day without too much thought. The weight of what I had witnessed did not sink in yesterday.

I was highly unproductive at work today though - every time I sat down to write a section of my report, I would find my mind drifting off after a few minutes to think about the family this woman had left behind. I found myself tearing up in the bathroom stall twice when I had a moment alone. I began to feel claustrophobic mid-morning and had to leave the office to “get a coffee,” but it was really just to get away from everyone for a moment and think. Finally at 3:30, when a function I performed in MS Excel messed up some formulas that would have been easy to fix, I lost it and burst into uncontrollable tears. My boss sent me home early and told me not to come back until Friday. I was taken completely by surprise and embarrassed by my very emotional reaction to Irene’s death. I couldn’t understand it; I barely knew this woman. Why was it affecting me so profoundly?

When I told my fiance why I was home early, and that I didn’t understand why I’d been so upset and unable to work today, he said to me, “Well, you didn’t know her, but don’t forget you walked 60 km for her.” I think he might be right about the reason.

Last summer, I walked in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer for the first time, raising $2135 for the BC Cancer Foundation. I committed to walk again this summer and raise $3000 this time (if you would like to donate, click on the “walk again” link for my personal page and you can donate online from there.) I was inspired to join last year because another family friend was going through chemotherapy at the time and I wanted to do something to help, and it’s now become a personal commitment for me to help this cause. Breast cancer affects so many people. I think I found it especially difficult to have a real person to picture now who has lost the battle to this terrible disease; a woman who is part of my community and whom I’ve spoken to.

It was also difficult to see her daughter trying to cope with saying a final goodbye to her mother. Her daughter is around my age, perhaps a year or two older. I have a difficult but close relationship with my own mother; I love her but I am frequently resentful and angry at her. As I watched this girl shovelling dirt as slowly as she could over her mother’s casket, prolonging the moment as long as she could, I realized my own mom won’t be around forever and I am wasting hours, weeks, months of my life over negative feelings. I was grieving partly because I have to let go of some of my own mother/daughter relationship baggage, which is hard for me to do. But it’s the only way to make the most of the future.

Ultimately, it was a celebration of Irene’s life and it was difficult, but uplifting at the same time, and I believe it has sparked a positive change and personal growth in my own life. I think I will make sure I don’t forget her by making a tshirt with a photo of her to wear when I walk this summer in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer.